**This article is purely satire and any relation or reference to real people, places or businesses is purely accidental or coincidental.**
A Boulder EMT was today burned alive as a sacrificial offering to Asclepius, the Greek of god of medicine, in hopes that he will grant Paramedics with protection from the ongoing threat of Coronavirus.
Boulder Paramedic Mike Oxbig spoke to us exclusively today about the sacrifice “I’m just so thrilled that I passed medic school” he said, “1 year ago, it would be me up for sacrifice.”
“It’s a bold move to sacrifice our EMTs, but it’s our only option.” Mr Oxbig said.
While some were pleased to see the sacrifice taking place, others were horrified at the sight.
Boulder EMT Miss Anita Bath said, “By having sacrificial EMTs we are reducing our ability to respond, perhaps we could sacrifice vegans instead, at least that would finally make them shut up!”
Hitting back at the criticism Dr Hugh Jass had this to say;
“This policy isn’t about undervaluing our EMTs, it’s simply putting in place a procedure for who goes first. After all of our EMTs have been sacrificed, we will then start burning our Paramedics.”
“If we run out of EMS personnel to sacrifice, I do have a plan to utilise Volunteer Fire Fighters. I expect them to be in hiding by this time, however I know they simply can’t refuse telling everyone they’re a fire fighter, so they’ll be easy to track down for the sacrifice.”
**This article is purely satire and any relation or reference to real people, places or businesses is purely accidental or coincidental.**
